Sharing some thought cuz I suddenly got emotional HAHA Long post ahead
Earlier this day I went out to buy some stuff. While I was there, I saw a kid with their parents asking about how do you pay at the cashier, what do you do if you want to know the price, where is the meat section, where are the snacks, etc. The parents replied the Filipino way, pinasingka pero ga tubag gud japun.
While I was watching them it just suddenly dawned to me that I was never taught about the how to's of life. I already had this thought when a friend of mine shared what she felt about her parent's absence while growing up, but I only now did I really thought about it.
Growing up I did almost everything by figuring things out on my own. I was still an elementary student when I learned how to enroll myself. From grade 6 till I was college, I was alone figuring stuff on my own on what to do during enrollment. And when I say alone, I really meant ALONE. No parents to ask things when I dont know what to do, no friends to figure out things together.
I learned to enroll on my own from elementery, junior high, senior high, to college. All my paperworks were done by me. I had no one with me when I prepared my papers for SHS enrollment and college requirements. I was alone to figure out how to order in fastfood restaurants, how to buy stuff in the mall, how to open an account in the bank, how to get my eyes check and buy glasses, how to pay the bills, and even how to easily put on a fucking bra, In short, things I knew were things I taught to myself. That I figured out on my own. That is why people ask me why I do not know this and that, I can finally answer now that it is because I had no one to taught me about it. No one taught me how to lit a fire to cook, to open a coconut, cook food, or every basic stuff people normally know. It is not because I was too lazy to learn or I was sheltered, but because there was no one to teach me that.
I did have a friend during grade 11 enrollment tho but most of the process was just me being alone. (P.S. Thank you Monica btw. I'm sorry if you felt alone or something when I did things on my own. I swear, at that time that was what I thought about how these things work. I wasn't used to nor did I know friends do things together. Like wait for each other or let you help me. I thought I should do everything on my own and you too should do it on you own and only ask for help when you really needed it. Sorry hehe)
Now, I watch my friends do everything together. From enrolling, living independently, do school works, etc. I feel happy for them tho. It just made me thought I should have made the people around me more 'involved' in my life. I would still do things on my own tho but only when I need other people (like for PE activities) would I reach out. For other things, I am comfortable being alone. Just that, It just makes me things if there could have been a difference if there were people with me.
But it couldn't be helped because that was how I grew up. To do things alone. To be on my own. I dont blame my parents tho. We were poor and my parents had to do everything to put food in our mouths. My mom is a teacher who worked far from home. My dad worked as a traffic enforcer for 18 years before he decided to teach. Back then life was hard. Like really hard. I could even still remember that time duirng summer when I almost cried when we ate chicken adobo at dinner. All throughtout that summer, all we had were bulad, can foods, and mostly just boiled potatoes. It was only when I was in SHS when my father finally had a stable job that they had been able to buy us branded clothes, a nice phone, etc. I wouldnt say we were so poor that we dont have anything to eat or wear, but it certainly wasnt enough. Glad life is getting better.
Charot nakshare na nuon kos akong life but anyways, the point is my parents were too busy to be that 'involved' in my life. I understand it. I also dont find myself pitiful because I grew up that way. I dont regret it as well.
It just makes me think if the grass is greener on the other side. Like if things would have been less scary if I had someone to hold my hand when I was scared or anxious. Or if things had been simple or easier when I had someone to explore with. Or if I would have made less mistakes when someone told me what to do. Or if I wouldnt have been humiliated multiple times or wasted time if only I knew beforehand. Now that I think of it, maybe thats why I get emotional when I ask fro help. That I tear up whenevr I feel vulnerable. I swear whenever I'm sick, I'd always cry whenever I tell my parents I'm sick and I need some care. I'd also be very anxious when I ask my friends help about some things or even get emotional whenever I admit I dont know what to do. Heck, the last time I cried to my friends because I was worried on what to do was when we were eating at kalderos and James showed me a video about moving out and doing new stuff. It touched what I feared so bad that I just cried. Yawa I even remember crying to Jeaff because I didnt know what to do after confessing for the first time and getting mu heart broken HAHA Whenever I feel anxious, humiliated, frustrated, and cornered I would always cry because I am unable to handle those emotions. It makes me a crybaby but I couldn't help but feel mad about not knowing what to do or having nothing to do at all to help myself.
Now I am trying to let poeple more involved in my life. Whenever there is a new store I want to go to, I ask my friends if they want to come with me (cuz normally I'd go alone HAHA). Whenever I pick clothes or things, I ask my parents their references if they like it or not.
For those who are independent like me, especially for those who are more so than I do, cheers to us. I hope we'd be able to not to depend but atleast let other help some aspects of our life. Being alone is okay. But who knows, may life would be better if we co-exist.
